This is the time of the year when we all talk about vacations. Let's take a break this last month of summer and discuss another subject. Whenever anyone writes about their vacation experiences they refer to it as "our" vacation or the "family's" vacation. But rarely as one person's vacation, especially when they are with other people. In this case, me (the husband) and my wife's aunt and mother and my wife's pet bird Kiwi. My wife, who we will call "Billie" because that's her name, wanted to visit the vacation area that she visited throughout her childhood and adult life; Westmoreland State Park near Montross, Virginia. That's why this writing is titled "My Wife's Vacation." I went along in the role of pack mule. Billie, who really is an outdoor or camper person loves living in a tent. However, this time I convinced her to rent a cabin in the woods. I'm getting too old to put up tents and dig trenches around the tent when it rains. I also hate bugs. Billie loves them and literally removes any bug from our home to a safe place outside. Sometimes I think I see that same bug in the house time after time. To explain my wife's love of the outdoors, she at one time (before I knew her) lived in a tent on the banks of Lake Okeechobee for about a year.

We set off for Virginia, a trip of 1,000 miles, with our van, her aunt and mother who are senior, senior citizens towing a 22 foot pontoon boat that hasn't been in the water for six months. Talk about National Lampoon's movie "Vacation" except the kids are seniors. Same questions apply i.e. "Does anyone need to use the bathroom before we move on?" It never fails; after about 10 miles we needed to make a stop. It was to be two overnight stops before reaching Virginia. Our first night we stopped at a Courtyard Hotel. We signed in for a room, had all the luggage loaded on a hotel cart when we were notified that the hotel doesn't accept pets; not even a little green bird. Keeping my calm, I proceeded to tell off the front desk clerk and any other hotel employee within yelling distance. Fortunately, there was a Residence Inn next door and one of the Courtyard employees named Vernon volunteered to wheel the luggage cart over to the Residence Inn. We were charged a $75.00 Travel Agent rate each for two rooms and another $75.00 for the little green bird. Fortunately, the bird had a YTB photo ID card and was also able to obtain the travel agent rate. We used our IATAN cards.

The second overnighter was a bit less dramatic. We stayed at one of those old fashioned motels with the door of the room leading directly to the outside and 5 feet from our car. Very convenient but a lot of gas fumes in the room. We were awakened early the next morning by the sound of a motorcycle parked next door. Feeling a bit tired and nauseated by the gas fumes we were on our way finally to Virginia.

We arrived at our cabin high upon an eroding cliff overlooking the Potomac River. I had kind of expected a J. W. Marriott type facility except in the woods. My wife had warned me earlier that it would not be equal to a J. W. Marriott room but in fact would be similar to a tent but with solid walls, a roof and a bathroom. Well, she was certainly correct in this case. I suggested we go back to that motel we stayed at the previous night as it at least had a coffee maker. She told me to act like a man.

This is where my pack mule abilities came in as I began to empty our big van that was packed with just about everything we had in our home except the furniture. I must have made twenty trips between the van and the cabin. My wife, her aunt and mother along with the bird supervised and directed me to where everything should go in the cabin; while they sipped on their vodka and tonics. The cabin had all the conveniences of home; a front door, windows, running water, something that resembled a bed and a bathroom. The shower set up was awkward as it required two people to operate it. I had no problem in asking my wife to help but I'd be damned if I was going to ask her aunt or mother.

That night I built a fire in the outdoor grill. We had the usual hot dogs and burgers, roasted marshmallows and sang campfire songs. Yeah, right! Bored and full of blackened marshmallows, I went inside to work my wireless computer to respond to my emails. The wireless was almost as fast as dial-up; just a little slower. I also had to walk to the edge of the 200 foot cliff to get my cell phone to work.

The next day we went down to the river and cliff area to look for shark's teeth. My wife and her family had been doing this for over 50 years at this park. I never could understand where these sharks' teeth came from as there had to be millions of sharks over the years losing their teeth. A shark dentist could have made a fortune. And why just shark's teeth? Why not regular fish teeth or fishermen's teeth? Billie found a few small shark's teeth and I found the largest one. I'm going to donate mine to the "Help Our Toothless Friends Society" for live sharks that are missing teeth.

The rest of the week went by with little mishap. We visited every antique place within 50 miles, ate in the area's finest restaurants that had cute slogans on their walls saying, "This is not Burger King. You can not have it your way. The only way is our way or you can get the hell out." Another sign said, "If you are grouchy or just plain nasty we will add $10 to your bill." After paying the extra $10 a few times I had a change of attitude. This vacation was making me a new person.

I really need to tell you about the boat. We tagged along a 22 ft Pontoon boat which we purchased in December to chug along the Colooshatchee River where we live in Florida. My wife (she's the boss) insisted that we bring the boat to Virginia, a 1000+ mile trip each way. Along the way to Virginia we stopped for gas continuously. I know it cost us another $600 in gas because of the boat.

Well by Monday of our vacation we needed to launch the boat at the park's ramp. Keep in mind that we have never launched a boat before by ourselves. Well we had to go down this steep, wooded narrow road to get to the launching ramp. When we got there another party with experienced people were trying to launch their boat. The tide was low and they gave up because of a large dropoff at the end of the ramp. Of course, we gave up too and headed up the steep, winding road back to the cabin to wait another day for the inaugural launch.

We decided that we would try again the next day but at another ramp outside the park. The next day we looked around the area for another boat ramp and was successful in locating one about 20 miles away. We left the boat at the Marina until the next day when we would arrive early to spend the day on a smooth Potomac River.

The next day came. Instead of arriving early as intended due to the older ladies requiring breakfast and time to get their boat wear together, when we arrived we were told that a storm was heading our way and there were small craft warnings. I wanted no part of lightning, being from Florida, and we all decided to give up the launch again for the day. Oh, I almost forgot. Our van also had a flat tire. We called AAA and they came to put on the spare and found that flat too.

The next day we arrived to launch the boat again and this would be our last opportunity before going home. With the help of one of the marina employees we got the boat in the water. It took me a while to back the boat down the ramp. I kept jackknifing the trailer. Somehow I attracted a small crowd who found this ordeal amusing. We finally got the boat going, however, I couldn't find the switch that turned on the electric and couldn't use our new XM radio and depth finder for the entire day..

The Potomac River had some rough water but we managed to spend about six hours on the boat. We only went aground once and sometimes we hit waves soaking my wife and her mother sitting at the bow. (I think it was the bow or was it the stern). I at least received some satisfaction seeing them get wet.

The next day the pack mule (me) once again came to the rescue. The trip home was practically a mirror image of the trip to get there except for the motel fees for the bird. We smartened up and stayed at pet friendly hotels that didn't have doors directly in line with outside car fumes. Reminding my wife that she should use better judgment the next time when planning a vacation. Billie responded by asking me what kind of judgment did she use when marrying me. I retorted, "Great judgment and keep up the good work." Billie said to me "What a great vacation!". I just stared out the van window. My next vacation will be at a luxury resort and if my wife wants to go camping, she can set up a tent on the resort grounds.